turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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