Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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