I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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