he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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