PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
