Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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