i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
and she was petting her beer can
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
