it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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