My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize