My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
