mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
