Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
