im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
third nipple confirmed
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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