6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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