i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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