had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
