i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize