C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
