I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
FUCK WHALES
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
