Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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