Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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