I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
