OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
