I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Everclear isn't food dammit
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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