my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
