ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I checked into jail on foursquare
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
