i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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