I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
