True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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