Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
