I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
