Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
