i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
