my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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