im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
