i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I forgot how hot balto sounded
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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