My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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