You made me cry and you don't even care
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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