no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
