No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
