alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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