1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
