They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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