true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
