i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
