he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
