just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
