He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Randomize
