My liver just broke up with me...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
