I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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