The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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