Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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