you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
