im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
