Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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