Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
