So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
