You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
