Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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