My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
