I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
