I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
