Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
