Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
