Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
